


The Year I Died

by whoevenisthis



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: 3 am fic, Angst, Depression, M/M, Sad, Suicide, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-25
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2018-01-13 16:50:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1233907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoevenisthis/pseuds/whoevenisthis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim kills himself and Leonard has to deal with trying to live afterwards. Really short; really bad - written at 3 AM. Could sort of be seen as a companion fic to The End of All Things, I guess? Seriously, depression and suicide trigger warning, please don't say I didn't warn you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Year I Died

**Author's Note:**

> Again this is sort of a vent my feelings fic that I didn't intend to publish. I sense a pattern emerging. That pattern being friends forcing me to publish my (poorly written) works. Apologies if you read it or whatever. Not beta'd, there's probably errors because, again, 3 in the morning... Enjoy, I guess?!

Jim wasn't answering any of the messages that Leonard had sent him. That was wrong; it confirmed his gut feeling that something was very wrong with his best friend. His husband. His Jim Kirk. He had been suspicious for a while that Jim had been letting the stress of his job get to him, only to be answered with a much too forced grin and insistence that everything was just fine. When Leonard got to their quarters, they were locked, of course. That wasn't an issue - wouldn't have even been one if they hadn't shared quarters - because he was CMO, and as far as he knew there was no locked door that he couldn't override on the ship.

No, the issue was what he saw when he walked in. Jim was sitting there against the wall, utterly defeated, with a phaser against his head. At that rnage, it didn't even have to be set to kill, anything would kill him. Leonard dropped to his knees; he couldn't believe that he had failed Jim enough that his life wasn't even worth it anymore, apparently.

"Jim..." he managed to choke out, trying and failing to hold back tears. He knew that he couldn't go on without Jim - they had both saved each other, though in different ways. Evidently Leonard hadn't been enough though. Jim looked up at that, face stained with what must have been hundreds of tears. He looked completely broken, which is exactly what he must have been.

"I'm sorry, Bones," Jim mumbled, just barely loud enough to be heard. Leonard went to move closer to Jim, to take the phaser away and hold him. To tell him that somehow, maybe it'd all be okay one day. Oh how he wanted to have a chance to fix everything. But that chance was ripped away from him as Jim pulled the trigger to end it all.

Leonard woke up sobbing and yelling Jim's name. It hadn't been the first time he'd had a nightmare like that. He loved Jim too much for his brain not to worry about any and every possible bad scenario. But that's all it was, a possible scenario, he reminded himself as he rolled over to face Jim, hoping that he hadn't awoken his husband with his nightmare.

Only there was no Jim. He was greeted with an empty bed and a way too familiar empty feeling in his gut. Once again, he had been cruely reminded that that specific nightmare was real. It had driven Leonard to cut all ties to Starfleet and his past life, hell, he'd even tried to forget about Jim. He had fallen into his own depression, though he had no idea if it was worse than Jim's had been or not, and had taken to being drunk far more often than being sober. Anything else hurt too much.

It had hurt for so long. It had been... a year that day, according to the chrono. A year without Jim.. Leonard didn't think that he could do it. But there he was, certainly no better than a year ago. He knew he'd never get better, he couldn't move on from Jim. Not then, not ever.

He sighed as he reached under the bed until he found an object. His hand clasped around it and he brought it out. To anyone else, it was a regular phaser. But not to him. It was the monester that took his life away - mentally - a year prior. It was the only object that he'd kept from when he was actually truly alive. He couldn't even bring himself to keep his wedding band. But now, the phaser - the monster - was going to fix everything. It was going to finish what it had started a year ago; it was going to take away whatever remained of Leonard's life.

He let out one shakey breath and pulled the trigger himself - exactly one year after Jim had done so. It only hurt for a moment, then everything was black and still. And then it just... wasn't. There was no way to describe it, but t did appear that there was something after death. Tears sprung to his eyes when he saw what (who) was walking towards him. Of course he'd be there. It was Jim.

"Hey Bones. Wasn't expecting you so soon. What happened?" he asked, worried. It took Leonard a moment to even register the words, let alone think of a reply, because seeing Jim for the first time in a year, well, it wasn't describeable. Even more important was the fact that Jim was whole and unhurt in both mind and body, something that no one had seen for a long time.  
  
"I tried Jim. I tried to get past it. Gave up everything and made it a year, somehow. But I think you took a bit of me with you when you left. Turns out that bit of me was too important for me to live without. So I decided to come and get it back." His voice had broken a few times when talking, and he was sure that there were tears on his face. But Leonard didn't really care. The hurt was over. It was gone forever. He would finally be whole and happy again. And alive - despite being utterly technically dead. Forever. With his equally whole and happy Jim. And that was much better than all the forgetting he could ever manage to do, he reasoned as he embraced Jim. _So much better._

 


End file.
